Remember how I said that I couldn't find any pictures of Jamie? For some reason, these were hiding from me. And I was just about to insert them into the last post somehow, and I thought better of it.Because I need to write about him. I've been struggling. It's hard to hide it from your readers when you are depressed. The pictures look smiley and happy, and it looks like everyone is having a fun time, and they are--except one of us. And one of us does not want her little "spill" of emotional onslaught to take over everyone else's world.
So, what's wrong anyway? It looks like he's a fine kid--bright eyed and bushy tailed. And he is. He's a great kid who has great potential. We are proud of him in every way. But... he's leaving. He's leaving in two weeks, and I think it is finally hitting me. And yes, I want him to go. My mind does, at least. My heart acknowledges that this will produce the greatest good in his life--following God's leading and leaving for college.
But this is hard. And I feel like such a woos. And I'm the MOM, already. If I don't cry, who will? Certainly not him! He's so excited to get going. And that is SO good.
When I was his age, I could NOT imagine feeling sad about leaving for college. I was so ready to go. I embraced all the new things and challenges like a bull released from the pen. And he is chomping at the bit to get on with this life, just like I was.
But we have knocked heads a lot over the last two years. But he and Will have become stronger and closer, which is just what God wanted all along. And I know he loves me, as well as the entire family. And we see his walk with the Lord. And if this really God's will that he is pursuing, we will see the walk get stronger.
So, there is nothing to be sad about in real life. And I am rejoicing. Sometimes, through tears, but I am rejoicing.
Yes, I am doubting everything I have ever done, said or hoped for at this moment. Yes, I am weak and insecure about everything AND then some. But it is during times like this that GOD is either who he said he is or he isn't. He was strong enough to preserve Jamie's life through a car crash, is he strong enough to take him through college with a clear testimony? Is He strong enough to sustain me in my weakness and fears and doubts?? He has to be, or he is not God.
And this is where I am right now. Sometimes I start to cry, and I am not even sure what is going on or why I am sad. But I remember stories that my mother told when I left for college. The house was so quiet, and she was so sad. All the fun, activity, and life that she thought of as my life was gone.
And today? Mom and I talk every day on the phone. We are closer than we ever were before. We both agree it was hard when I left for school, but she knows what an important thing it was in my life.
College is where I met the Lord. College is where I learned about teaching, dancing, life, God and so much. Without that experience, I would not be who I am or where I am. I am not saying that everyone needs to go to college. But it gives me much more peace about Jamie leaving home, knowing first hand all of the blessings and things I learned about God at college.