Friday, August 6, 2010

Bittersweet

Remember how I said that I couldn't find any pictures of Jamie? For some reason, these were hiding from me. And I was just about to insert them into the last post somehow, and I thought better of it.
Because I need to write about him. I've been struggling. It's hard to hide it from your readers when you are depressed. The pictures look smiley and happy, and it looks like everyone is having a fun time, and they are--except one of us. And one of us does not want her little "spill" of emotional onslaught to take over everyone else's world.
So, what's wrong anyway? It looks like he's a fine kid--bright eyed and bushy tailed. And he is. He's a great kid who has great potential. We are proud of him in every way. But... he's leaving. He's leaving in two weeks, and I think it is finally hitting me. And yes, I want him to go. My mind does, at least. My heart acknowledges that this will produce the greatest good in his life--following God's leading and leaving for college.

But this is hard. And I feel like such a woos. And I'm the MOM, already. If I don't cry, who will? Certainly not him! He's so excited to get going. And that is SO good.

When I was his age, I could NOT imagine feeling sad about leaving for college. I was so ready to go. I embraced all the new things and challenges like a bull released from the pen. And he is chomping at the bit to get on with this life, just like I was.

But we have knocked heads a lot over the last two years. But he and Will have become stronger and closer, which is just what God wanted all along. And I know he loves me, as well as the entire family. And we see his walk with the Lord. And if this really God's will that he is pursuing, we will see the walk get stronger.

So, there is nothing to be sad about in real life. And I am rejoicing. Sometimes, through tears, but I am rejoicing.

Yes, I am doubting everything I have ever done, said or hoped for at this moment. Yes, I am weak and insecure about everything AND then some. But it is during times like this that GOD is either who he said he is or he isn't. He was strong enough to preserve Jamie's life through a car crash, is he strong enough to take him through college with a clear testimony? Is He strong enough to sustain me in my weakness and fears and doubts?? He has to be, or he is not God.

And this is where I am right now. Sometimes I start to cry, and I am not even sure what is going on or why I am sad. But I remember stories that my mother told when I left for college. The house was so quiet, and she was so sad. All the fun, activity, and life that she thought of as my life was gone.

And today? Mom and I talk every day on the phone. We are closer than we ever were before. We both agree it was hard when I left for school, but she knows what an important thing it was in my life.

College is where I met the Lord. College is where I learned about teaching, dancing, life, God and so much. Without that experience, I would not be who I am or where I am. I am not saying that everyone needs to go to college. But it gives me much more peace about Jamie leaving home, knowing first hand all of the blessings and things I learned about God at college.

9 comments:

Ruby said...

{{Hugs}} Jena. A huge milestone in both of your lives. Enjoy this special, precious time before your son, this terrific young man, heads off.

The dB family said...

Oh dear! Mine is only going to high school and I'm feeling a little weepy. I love what you wrote about God's leading. It's still really hard to let them go though isn't it? It's our Mama hearts.

Blessings and hugs!
Deborah

Braley Mama said...

Oh mama, I can't even begin to comprehend this time in your life. But I am praying for you!!!!!Big Hugs!!!
P.S. this was an add in your google side bar....."

How Jesus REALLY saves
Jesus saves, but not by "washing away sins" or "appeasing the Father
www.NewChurch.org"

Just thought I would let you know, I would want to know if they put this on my site!

Becky said...

Oh, my heart goes out to you.

Organizing Mommy said...

Braley Mama: thanks for the headsup about that ad. I'll have to contact blogher. Sorry guys!

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Reminded me of a verse from Proverbs...

even in laughter the heart may ache

I had to look it up - Proverbs 14:13, and then I remembered that the second part was decidedly not cheery


and joy may end in grief

but it gets better in the next verse

he faithless will be fully repaid for their ways,
and the good man rewarded for his
.

You're doing great.

Julie

Mrs. Parunak said...

Hugs. And more hugs. Letting our children go has got to be one of the hardest things about being a mama. I know this, and my oldest is only six. It is COMPLETELY natural for you to be aching. In fact, I think it would be terrible if you weren't sad. Like you said, you're the mama. Hang in there and rejoice that your relationship is exactly as it should be: seeing your son go makes you sad. I can't tell you how many mothers I hear who can't wait to get their children out of their house. THAT is the bad reaction. THAT is the messed up, problematic perspective. Not yours.

Sheri said...

Well I know that feeling-times 2 cuz my oldest kids are only 23 months apart, so I barely recover from the first and poof! the second is right there behind his sister. Now mine cannot afford to do college away from home but between their work, classes and social life-I scarcely see them. We usually are a fam of 4 now, not 6. Dinner time is the hardest for me cuz we always made a point to do dinner together, as best as possible. And sometimes, it is only 3 cuz my hubby travels so much. Now that I have an almost 16 yold dd, who is working here and there-it is just Buddy and I, and man that is odd and sometimes downright sad. But I also give myself that "this is the point here-having raised the children to adults to go off into the world" and I certainly wouldn't want kids that are couch potatoes with no ambition. I miss em but am trying to embrace this new season, and it does get better in time! It truly does! The Lord loves him more than you can ever even imagine, so focusing on the positives, and kiddos you are still raising at home-eases the pain and the tears. Hugs to you dear.

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Hurray for others who said it so much better than me...

I love you in your sadness and grieving, but hey! - poke, poke - aren't you glad you don't have a ding-dong adult-escent failure-to-launch?!

(Was that totally insensitive? To you I mean, not the 28-year-old mama's boys.)

Sending virtual hugs and chocolate,

Julie