Friday, October 8, 2010

Meltdown on I-90 E.

So, the traffic was intense and getting worse. Where was the Randall Road exit, anyway? Wasn't this near Elgin? So, why isn't it showing up on my radar?

I was tired, exhausted and overwhelmed. Not only had my GPS been stolen the day or so before, but I was too tired from trying to be the perfect mom, hostess, and pilates teacher all in the same week. It seemed like the detour off 294 S toward 88W was a perfect time to have a meltdown. Somewhere in this big city lurked the little town of Batavia where Inner Elements is located. I was already going to be an hour late and I'm several weeks behind in observations and practice hours.

Why? Why am I doing this? This intense pilates training that somehow in my mind "God will use" (if I live that long?) and... all for what? I'm not hip, thin, perfect bodied or any of that. I don't fit in with those people. And yet, I WANT to learn this stuff. When I do have a few free minutes to study, my mind says, "YES!" and "I get it!", and I remind myself that God's people need to learn how to take care of their bodies also. They need structural alignment, bio-mechanical connections and "closed kinetic chains". Just because every other pilates studio is intertwined with yoga, accupuncture and Reiki, and secular counseling, doesn't mean that mine needs to be. If indeed there is a mind and body connection, then why need fill the mind with a spiritually healthy information while we repairing the body?

So, then I get back on the pilates train again and had a wonderful remainder of my training class, even though I was an hour late and fairly on the verge of tears for the remainder of the day. The thoughts were not just about frustration over being late for my training but just about myself falling short of my own desires to be a godly wife, mother, friend, etc.

You see, when I got home from a day of training/ teaching, I would be coming home to meet house guests--a lovely young couple from Connecticut that was passing through on their way to South Dakota, for her brother's wedding. Not that these sort of people expect you to be perfect, but you want it to be a pleasant time. You want them to be encouraged and uplifted, etc. Since I knew I'd be gone all day Thursday, I decided to make the chicken pot pie ahead of time, put it in the fridge the night before while I pushed my kids to get the house picked up and clean before prayer meeting Wednesday. And as you can see, I have officially over-extended myself AGAIN.

It's an addiction. And it always works out, but I wonder: Why? Why do I do this? Is the cute little couple with two babies going to give up serving the Lord if the find out the bitter truth that Mrs. Webber is a complete hedgehog, who overcommits and over-extends herself 9 days out of 10? Are they going to... like... find out the truth? Yes. And why even hide it? I'm not organized every day or any day, for that matter. And on most days, I do just fine with my "system" if you want to call it that. But there are days... and you know the ones I'm talking about.. where you wish you could crawl into your tub and cry and then sleep for a week but there's coffee to serve and people to encourage.

And you do it. And you find that not only did you have strength for the task, but you seemed to be healed by doing it. And the very thing you feared to be burdensome or scary is the exact thing that God used to do his will.

In other words, he was totally glorified in your inability. In fact, he was waiting for you to come to the end of your rope so you could worship HIM. And all the while, he let you find the end of yourself again.

I may never heal from addiction to over-commitment. I may never get over my tendencies. But I do plan to learn from them. And if you keep reading this, you may be tempted to think that somewhere in my psyche I have this deep seated theological problem or something. But that this point in my life, I have just simplified it by saying, "some people are like that, and I am one of them".. and that's about as far as I've gotten.

Thanks for listening once again. And I would start a new hobby tonight or form an organization since I happen to have 10 extra free minutes, but I think I'll go to bed. What do you think?

6 comments:

Becky said...

Wow! You sound like me. I don't know why I do it to myself either. You'd think I'd have learned in the last 20 or so years, but I haven't. I get all worked up trying to get everything done (at least half of which wasn't all that important) and after everything's finished you wonder why you made yourself so crazy. Then someone tells you what a blessing.... was and you realized God worked through your craziness. Or, at the very least, kept you sane through it all.

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Jena,

I get tired just reading about all you do :D

Part of me wants to put my arm around you and say, "Slow down! You don't have to prove anything! Relax a little!"

But...

Perfect rest is in His will, yah?

Hang in there,

Julie

Mrs. Parunak said...

YES! You ARE just like me. I've worked on learning this EXACT lesson more times than I can count. I first noticed it in my teens, my insane tendency to bite off way more than I could chew. It hasn't gotten a bit better as I've grown. The only thing I'll slow down for is illness, and I think that is only because I nearly died the time I didn't slow down when I was getting pneumonia. Pregnancy counts, too, because it feels like a five month case of stomach flu followed by four months of being way too enormous to do anything anyway.

Braley Mama said...

Sounds like you are doing His will and coming under some warfare.
Praying for you! And thanks for the encouragement!!!!

Kathryn said...

I think you're funny. And i'm amazed at all that you do. I think i'd be having "meltdowns" all the time, if i did even one quarter of all you do. If you came to visit me, i'd be amazed at your whirlwind, & probably tired too.

Blessings on you dear. I'm catching up on several days' missed reading. Glad to know you're posting again. :)

Mandy, Momof9 said...

Oh Jena,
You sound like me at times. The Lord has been teaching me over the last 35 years so step back and let a few things go. But there are still those times that I take everything back and try to do it myself....frustration and anxiety...but the Lord is patient...just hope my family is just as patient. Hope you had a wonderful time with the lovely couple and their precious little ones from CT...I know we had a great time with them. Your blog is wonderful!