A ray of sunlight

Like the fierce gales of November, came the sudden and unexpected death of Curtis Lee Marnett.

Around a graveside gathering, the huddled family and friends gathered shoulder to shoulder with friends, family and strangers alike to keep the gusts at bay.  The tent was no shelter for anyone.  It stood as a reminder of a shelter, for all of its inhabitant were freezing cold.

The little ones were comforted by their older siblings and friends for the loss of their daddy.  The older ones were comforted by holding the little ones and each other.  Their mama, all in black, was glazed with grief and bewilderment.

The overcast day hung like a shroud as the rabbi sung his mournful song.  Never once was Yeshua mentioned.  The star of David adorned the plain pine box,  and dirt from the holy land was respectfully placed atop the casket.

The father of the deceased had not only buried one but two sons in his lifetime.  A sadness of unanswerable grief permeated that small plot of land.

I lifted my head to the dimmed clouds and asked Yeshua where he was.  For I knew.  I heard it with my own ears that this man, Curt, had received Jesus as his Messiah.

So, with respect for his father and his upbringing, his dear wife allowed the father of the deceased to have closure with his son in this traditional Jewish ceremony.

And then the unthinkable happened.  I don't know if anyone else felt it.  In the midst of this biting, cold freezing windy scene, I felt warmth.  The sun had come out.  I was feeling warmth across my back--through my jacket even.

It was just a gentle reminder, amidst this mournful scene, of what Curt did embrace.  The tent was no shelter, and neither was the structure of his primary years.  But they both served as a symbol of the true shelter.

And no one leaves this earth without someone feeling like things were undone in some way.  Things were said or not said, done or not done, forgiven or not forgiven, but the truth remains the same.  The entirety of a person's life does not consist of what happened in moments of frustration; it consists of what happened in moments of faith.

For those who are mourning his death, I pray that they will not focus on the cold, bitter anguish of the suddenness of his death, but of the ray of sunshine that is to come.

The Lord God is a Sun and a Shield.  No good thing will he withhold from them who walk uprightly.
Ps. 84

What's important..

Of course I can't tell YOU what's important for YOU.  I can only tell you what's important for me.

And it is not, of course, articulating the what or the importance of it that is a struggle.  For we are all inclined to say that our families are first.  Right after Jesus, our husband and children are next.  And our parents.  

But it is the day-to-day of it all.  WHAT really is first?  What percentage of my life is going toward what really matters?  I wish I could tell you that it is always ALL in balance. 

 That this handsome man is my one concern--right after Christ.  That I never get sidetracked by stuff, activities, people, and nonsense..

 Even so,  despite the struggle to be to my family what it needs, constantly fighting with my flesh and being jostled about with every notion of nonsense, the LORD is Good.

Look at these guys! God doesn't make junk.  He has picked up the slack where we have dropped the line.  He is forming each one of these kiddos into a work of his own making.  HE is awesome.  We are just swinging along--watching him work.

Thank you for all of my blog friends who also know what's important and are struggling right along with me to keep it there.  I know how you guys love your families also and are always encouraging others to do the same! At this time of thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family and my family-loving support network that I have amidst my blog and real life friends.  May the Lord Jesus be your source of Joy and Strength this holiday season!

Left to Right (Joanna 17, Hudson 15, Daddy, Jamie, 19, Nathanael 14)
in front (Mommy and Emily, 6)    Thanksgiving 2011

Thanksgiving for some of us..

A tragic thing happened last night for one of my friends.  Although I do not have all the details of it yet, I received a phone call informing me that one of my friend's husbands had died suddenly by way of a heart attack.

This was yesterday.  The day before Thanksgiving was yesterday.  Yesterday is the day my friend's husband died.  My friend, Corrie has 10 children.  She is about 45 years old, and she is a widow.  She homeschooled her children, did 8 million loads of laundry, ironed her husband's shirts, and served three meals a day to her family for over 20 years.

Now what?

So, today when I was fumbling over my husband as he was helping me load the dishwasher, she was loading the dishwasher alone.

Today when I got the turkey in the oven in record time and my husband noticed and mentioned it, she probably isn't even cooking.

Today when I am celebrating the unique time of having our family together; they are experiencing separation in a way that they never have before.

My friend's move to the St. Louis area a few years ago has kept us from really keeping in contact with each other, but I feel her pain as if she were here.

May Jesus be their strength today.. and every day from this time forth.  

Educational Insights from C.S. Lewis

"Even in mathematics, whatever could be done by mere reasoning (as in simple geometry)  I did with delight; but the moment calculation came in I was helpless.  I grasped the principles but my answers were always wrong." Surprised by Joy, p. 76

"Walking and talking and talking are two very great pleasures , but it is a mistake to combine them.  Our own noise blots out the sounds and silences of the outdoor world....."p. 79 ibid

" The only friend to walk with is one who so exactly shares your taste for each mood of the countryside that a glance, a halt, or at most a nudge, is enough to assure us that the pleasure is shared.  The return from the walk, and the arrival of tea, should be exactly coincident, and not later than a quarter past four..." ibid


(Under the tutor, Kirk).. "For the first week or so, he gave me directions about my English reading, but when he discovered that, left to myself, I was not likely to waste my time, he gave me absolute freedom.  Later in my career we branched out into German and Italian.." p. 80 ibid

(freetime)  "Meanwhile on afternoons and Sundays, Surrey lay open to me.  County Down in the holidays and Surrey in the term--it was an excellent contrast.  Perhaps, since their beauties were such that even a fool could not force them into competition, this cured me once and for all of the pernicious tendency to compare and to prefer--an operation that does little good even when we are dealing with the works of art and endless harm when we are dealing with nature.  Total surrender is the first step toward the fruition of either..Shut your mouth; open your eyes and ears.  Take in what is there and give no thought to what might have been there or what is somewhere else.  That can come later, if it must come at all..." p. 81 ibid
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I am not sure that these thoughts will be as special to anyone else other than me.  I am really enjoying the writings of C.S. Lewis.  thought-provoking!!  

Do not turn right in front of this truck

Ambiguity.

If I am reading it, and it does not make sense to me, is it my fault or the author's fault?

Communication has to be two ways, doesn't it?

So, I've never understood this sign that you see on the back of large trucks.  It says this:

Do not turn right in front of this truck

And then I do what I always do, I try to figure out what that could possibly mean.

Option 1:  If I am driving along and I happen to pass this truck and end up in front of it, then I am not to make any turns.  I'm not sure why I can't make turns, but I just can't.  The truck will explode if I turn to the right or the left while I am in front of THIS truck.

Option 2: If I am driving along and I happen to be in front of the truck, I should not make an immediate turn in front of the truck.  Maybe I should get into the other lane and then turn?  Or let a few cars get between me and the truck so I'm not "right in front"..??

Option 3: Or perhaps it's only the right turns that are prohibited.  Left turns are O.K.

Option 4: I can turn right or left, front or back, as long as it has nothing to do with THIS truck.  Which is generally the way I interpret this passage.  I just stay away from trucks that have ambiguous signage on the back.

Option 5: Look at the sign that is next to the ambiguous message.  The sign shows a car passing the truck and immediately cutting off the truck (which happens to be on the right).  So, we are not supposed to pass trucks and then get in front of them?  That would make it impossible to not turn right in front of them either?

So, you see my dilemma.  And the OCD side of me CAN NOT be behind trucks that have cryptic messages on them.  I never hit that equilibrium of knowing what to do or how to do it.  So, in desperation, I pass the truck (on the left side) and immediately get in front of them.  Suddenly, all is at peace with the world.  I think if they had not had that ridiculous sign on the back, I would have never thought to pass them.

funniest comment from yesterday..

So, I have this really fun job that I do.  Teaching? no.  pilates? no. (although those are fun jobs also..)   This is my "professional organizing" job.  It started as just wire management, but it has expanded to "moving prep".  Now I love organizing wires, but moving prep is my favorite.

So, what is moving prep?  So, picture this.  There's this really BIG company with several departments that all occupy a huge building.  Every so often, there are new bosses or management or whatever, and entire departments need to move.  But lo and behold.. sometimes, the previous department or desk owner has left a bunch of stuff behind.  So, the new people need to move in, but they can't because all of this junk is there.

Why did they leave all of this stuff behind?  I'm not really sure.  I think in big companies like this one, everyone is afraid to actually throw things away for fear that "someone might need it".  Someone never comes along because that someone has tons of junk that they are bringing with them.  So, there may be several years that go by and things just get shuffled around.

So, that's when I come in.  And I am not sure that all of my decisions are stellar, but so far, my boss hasn't complained.  If it looks important, I send it ahead to the person who left it behind.  If it can be used by employees in the company, I donate it back to them in a central supply area.  Then the other items are: donated, recycled or trashed, depending on their usefulness.

So, as you can imagine, there's a lot of stuff that hits the recycling bins.  So, yesterday, I'm hauling huge amounts of paper into the recycling bins.  And everything I do is with great speed and gusto.  I even work up a sweat doing this job (I love it!)--I count it as a workout.  Anyway, so this random guy walks by and sees this blitzing overly-enthusiastic mama getting rid of huge amounts of paper and casually says,

"So, it's that time of the month,  eh?"

Yeah.  Except I'm so lucky.  I have learned to be efficient even when its not that time of the month.

And I laughed so hard.  We have all of these geeky, introverted left-brained guys walking around and they can not imagine anyone loving this kind of work, except under some sort of hormonal compulsion.

Are you kidding?????  This is therapy, dude.  I love getting rid of things.  It's therapeutic.  Calming.  cathartic.  aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh......  and they pay me!  seriously!  So, what's not to love?

Sentimental and I'm not going to apologize for it..

 Typically, I DO NOT consider myself an overly sentimental person, but on this ONE issue, I am unglued. I've lost all mooring and am floating in a wasteland of soft pink sugar and gooey sentiment.

 I have to save these things.  And I am having this apocalyptic battle over the practical and sentimental side of my brain over what??

And all of the homeschool mommies said: educational supplies!!!  Wrapped up in the flashcards, the cuisenaire rods, the wrap-ups, the legos, the stringing beads and the build-a-bear are years of my life!!

And I can not bear the drama any longer.  If I love those things THAT much, then I probably should hold on to them.  And if this pink sugar sentimentality finds someone else to light upon, I will free myself of the excess baggage.  Until then, I am done fighting it.

And all of you regular readers are sitting there with your mouths agape, wondering who on earth has heisted this blog and is posing as the organizing mommy.  Seriously.  This is as much akin to a midlife crisis as I hope to ever see.

So, I am going to do the unthinkable: I am going to SAVE things that have no foreseeable use in the future for the pure sentimentality of it.

EXHALE.

Well, I feel better now.  How about you?  What do you mean?  You fainted?!!  GeT Up already.  I still plan to get rid of a pile of other things, so it is not like my entire house will be a warehouse of Timberdoodle relics.   Just the bottom half.  O.K. half of the bottom half.  But still....  

Some people collect antiques.. .. some like fancy dishes.  I love  phonic games and little blocks and counting fishes..

We all have our weaknesses, and I have found mine.  They'll be plenty of things for little people to do when they visit me, I guess..

Buttery Corn bread and other luxuries..

 I am going to tell you that I haven't been as domestic as in the past; nevertheless, I still have a little bit of June Cleaver in me.  And here's the proof.

Buttery Corn bread   buttery buttery buttery.... corn corn corn bread...

What could be wrong with that?  Unfortunately, I have no claim on this recipe.  It is a download on Allrecipes.  And it was just yummy with the chili/ goulash? that I put together this weekend.

We had the best little family over with six kidlets.  It's amazing when these cute little families come that all of our kids look like giants to them.  Nevertheless, they chase our kids around even though our Nephilim are twice their size.

 Big Hud will grab one of them and carry them around until another attacks him.  Of course, Joanna could not resist doing a photo shoot of them.  I'm dying to get a photo up, but my photo snob won't let me see let alone post "raw" photos...  egad! So, we'll all have to wait on that.

 In the meantime, you'll have to just imagine these darling little girls (and one boy) stuffing their cheeks with yummy corn bread..  Happy little eaters--that is a luxury for the hospitality mama. 

Pink sky

This morning I have the delightful view of pinkish-indigo sky.  The trees are almost completely bare, as they form a delightful skeleton against the glorious backdrop.  The evergreens are almost a blueish hue, and plowed fields are finding an amber horizon line.

Quiet. serene. comforting.  An occasional snow flake falls.

Yesterday a friend was telling me about her comforting morning routine.  She told me that she loves routine, and it gives her a sense of peace and comfort.  It helps her get settled for her day.

Even though I do something different everyday during the work hours, I do enjoy this morning time of sitting here with my coffee, my Bible, my notebook, and sometimes (if I have time) the computer while looking out the window and enjoying whatever is going on outside.

I want to get to the point where I have some emotional peace with God about all that is going on or all that went on yesterday.  I don't want to carry yesterday's burdens with me into today.  Each day has enough trials of its own.  It's not that I refuse to acknowledge unfinished business; it's that I have purposefully handing over the emotional baggage that each item carries.  There's only so much that one person can do in this life.  When I have done what I can do, then I need to give it to God.

That generally determines a good day from a bad day in my life.  Can I lay it down??? even though I feel so (awful, upset, angry, guilty, burdened)??  Can I find a new strength to move forward? This isn't easy--and I'm the one who is given to wallowing in my guilt and blaming myself for all that is going on in the world...  (as if I have that much power?)

But pink skies are here.. again.  And so is our burden-carrier.  Let's enjoy this routine. 

Monday morning talk time

I am more of a therapist than an English teacher on Mondays.  When I get to school on Monday mornings, I need to get on the planet with the kids that I am going to be teaching.  My planet and their planet is so many worlds apart that I need to mesh these two worlds a little.

So Monday morning rolls around, and the kids drag themselves and their backpacks into my English classroom.  I am dragging a little also, but at least I've had the teacher's meeting AND coffee to get me going a little.  

So, we start with prayer.  I pray for them.  I pray for each student, by name.  It isn't hard because there are only five of them, but still.. it makes them feel special.  

And then we start "talk time".  Talk time is just when each one of the kids has a chance to talk and tell the rest of us what they did this weekend or what is going on in their lives or anything significant to them.  In reality, the other students aren't supposed to interrupt or criticize, but we're still working on that..

I will admit that the first couple of weeks of "talk time", it was slow going.  Nobody wanted to talk, and I was met with statements like, "What do you care?!" and "that's none of your business".. ugh.  Slow starting!  

But now..  they are all tripping over themselves to go first.  They tell their stories with great excitement and animation.  Some get up and walk the room and do wild gestures while they are describing the epic events of the weekend.  And I laugh with them.  Or look sad when they describe something sad.  

And I just smile the way a mother hen smiles at her chicks when they are finally starting to jump around in the nest.  Progress toward emotional wholeness for some who are troubled.. confused..indifferent-- you know-- all the things kids struggle with.  

And when Tuesday rolls around, we actually "do school" with a surprising amount of clarity and focus.  Yes, I am talking about junior high.  Clarity and focus and junior high do not normally fit into the same sentence.  

And I love those kids.  The Lord gave me five children of my own--whom I love dearly--nothing could take the place of them.  But the Lord has given me nine little kidlets to love on for this year.  (5 jr. high and 4 highschool)  The Lord is good, isn't he?

And then my wings need help too!

No one ministers to others without eventually getting ministered to! Yes, even those of us who are die-hards, are in regular need of wing maintenance.  But how does this happen?  I wish I could say that I am so teachable that God just whispers a breath to me and I instantly obey..

But more frequently, the Lord has other ways of dealing with me...

Like the realization that I have some form of envy or greed or desire that is going unmet.  And the only reason it is going unmet is just that--it is a form of greed, envy or desire (lust?)..

God doesn't want us to have those sorts of needs met because they just add to themselves more of the same.  Greed gives birth to more greed.  Envy just makes me hate others..  Ungodly desires just seem to find more ungodly desires..  But it is this strange longing for something that is absolutely forbidden that wakes me up to the unhappiness of it all.  Take it to its final conclusion--more and more unhappiness.

More and more of that sort of thing is just the opposite of joy.

Joy is a calm realization (however briefly) that all that we need and want is all that we have.  Joy is the absence of these longings that are ungodly and an appreciation for all that is readily available in Christ.

And God uses various methods to alert me to the ever-widening gap between where I am now and where I could be.  He uses the Word of God--just in my private readings.  He uses the preaching/ teaching of the Word.  He uses the example of others who living victoriously.  He uses the testimony of the persecuted church.  And he uses nature--in all of its beauty and perfection.

May you find some form of true joy today!

freeing the wings..

Last night our home was filled with young people, music and food until past midnight.  We affectionately gave this time after prayer meeting the title of "the midnight meal"since it will often go until midnight.

Among our guests, we had a few people join us for the first time.  One of our newbies was Gary S. who works with ministries to bridge them together.  Tonight we were talking about the YMCA and reaching it for Christ.  The Rockford YMCA allows anyone to come in its doors.  It really is a good representation of the community of Rockford.  People of all ages, races, economic levels find a home of sorts at the YMCA.

For those of us who know Christ, we are enjoying the Y returning to its roots--a distinctly Christian emphasis.  But we're doing it differently now.  When the Y was first started, it was a place for Christian men to go and escape the temptations of the world.  At a time when there was not a recognized need of what to do with the young people who had left their homes in the country to work in the city, the Y offered a haven of fellowship and protection for these young men.

Today, the Y serves the community--not just Christian men.  Even though our Y has gone through significant changes in the past few months, we are hopeful that these are good changes.  We are hopeful that young people will find their way back to the Y and into a Bible study.  And the churches that are involved will be able to make disciples from those who want to know Christ.

So, with all of this going on, I got to thinking--what is discipleship anyway?

When we take people into our home, feed them a meal, talk to them, and listen to their needs, what are we doing? When we invest in young people in the Y or at Regents or wherever we are--why and what are we doing anyway???

And God gave me this cool thought.

I imagined each person who knows the Lord Jesus as their Lord and Savior (i.e. born again, Christian, a new creation in Christ..) as coming forth from the womb with a set of wings.

The problem is that their wings are firmly attached to their backbone and they new creation really doesn't even know they are there--much less how to use them.

For those of us who disciple others, we place our hand on the shoulder of these creatures and let them know that if they just move a little here and there, they will realize they have a set of wings.

The wings are weak still, and the new creature finds it much easier to walk and strut the wings than to fly with them.

So, the process of discipleship involves freeing the wings.. building up the muscles on the wings.. and teaching them to fly.  Once the creature is flying, it's just a little tweak here and there--getting them to use the map and following the course that God has laid out for them.

I have realized that my ministry is providing the flying creatures a nesting spot and providing wing maintenance.  I love having my home full of flying creatures.  Sometimes I just sit on the sidelines and watch them buzz around together.

And I think this: I have no greater joy than to see my children walking in truth...