Joy #3: gift giving

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek those things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Col 3:1

This past month I have been reading that verse almost every day.  It doesn't matter what I had planned to read in the Word that morning, I seem to always end up there.

In a way, that verse and its surrounding friends has been what has prompted all of this talk about joy.  There's so much that I want to do in this life!  But it all has such a hollow effect when it's not fueled with joy.  And there are good things, very good things that can benefit others that we can do.. but we are totally missing the point when we are running on obligation and not on joy.

I know.. because I've had plenty of experience of obligatory stuff.  Why do you think I'm so good at drawing these contrasts?  I'm an expert in the antithesis.  And so are you.  We all are.  It's called the flesh.

So, I wanted to talk about gift giving.  Perhaps, you've already given all of your gifts for the season.   But this may be a good time for evaluative reflection.

When it comes to giving gifts, what comes to mind?  Something expensive? something homemade? a gift card? what?  I am not going to tell you that somehow homemade gifts are more spiritual than expensive gifts or anything like that.  What you give for a gift is up to you.  If you have more time and talent than money, homemade gifts are a great option.  If you happen to have money and no time, then a store bought gift may be just the thing for you. I believe we have freedom in these areas.

Because I am at a non-cluttery stage of life, I prefer to get (and give) something that can be: eaten, consumed, burned down, wilt or die eventually, or folded up digitally.  But that's just me.

But if your gift recipients are young and need things, feel free to give them real things like toasters and all that.  So that leads me into the series of questions that I like to ask.  If need definitions of terms, click here.
The self-aware person asks these questions about gift giving

1. What does the person need?
If the person has no known needs,
2. What does the person prefer? or want?
3. Am I the one who is going to meet that need? or want?
4. How can I honor this person by giving this gift to them?
5. What message is this gift sending to this person? (How will they receive it?)
6. What is my budget on gift giving? Is this too extravagant? Is this too cheap?
7. Would it be a kindness not to give this person a gift at all?

The self-focused person asks these questions/ thinks these thoughts about gift giving

1. They never like anything I get them.
2. They better like this because I spent a lot of money on this.
3. I hope my gift to them is better than what they got me.
4. They are too.. cheap, extravagant, too....  (you fill it in)
5. I can't believe I have to do this..
6. They had better send a thank you card..
7. It's all about me..

I realize that gift giving is one of those quandaries that is not easily solved, and it varies from person to person.  I believe that it is God who gives us help in knowing how to do this.  I personally find it difficult to do this well.  In fact, I feel the least qualified to be writing this, but if you are like me, perhaps, knowing the questions to ask will help you through this.

Because I have becoming increasingly more and more practical as I have grown up, I find it hard to imagine that others aren't at the same stage of life as me.  I know many women who say "kitchen items do not make for good gifts.. etc." because they are for the home.  As far as I am concerned, a good spatula (or anything that I will use) is better than something that just collects dust.   I remember one Valentine's Day when my Dad bought my mother a nice warm pair of Sorrells for the winter weather of the U.P.  Romantic?  probably not.  But she still has them, and that is a good thing in my book.

Will and I have ceased giving each other gifts for the holidays.  As far as I can tell, neither of us feels slighted.  I guess it is something you grow into as a couple because we always used to give each other gifts.  But I wouldn't recommend trying this out on your spouse unless you know for sure they won't feel unloved.  "Gift giving" is one of the love languages and you don't want to communicate a lack of love to your spouse by just going cold turkey on this issue.  Incidentally, both Will and I score lowest in gift giving when you take those tests about love languages.

Scoring low is precisely why I struggle with this, and it has been a temptation to give up on the whole issue, but God has given me a certain degree of help in this area, and I am constantly learning...

For those of you who struggle with this issue the way I do, I am always finding ways to make this easier, not more complicated.  And this year (with three jobs) I found the FTD florist to be my friend, rather than my normal homemade gifts.  And I was so thankful when my husband said, "That worked out well.  Let's do that again.." So, it's our 20th Christmas as a married couple, and I think we've finally got the formula that works for our family...

Happy Hanukkah

Joy #2: Holidays

Since we're so near the holidays--less than a week away from Christmas at the time of this writing--I thought I'd start here.  We are in the process of discerning joy from happiness and then defining joy in very specific terms.  The joyful person has a self awareness rather than a self focus.  (If you want to hear more about either topic, click on the link..)

So, how does this carry itself over into real life?  Yes, it is all very fine and well to wake up every morning, read the Bible and start afresh with a new desire to not live in the state of self focus.  But sometimes asking yourself the questions regarding each day's events will help keep that perspective.

So, I'm starting with the holidays.  Holidays. holidays. holidays.   I know, because I am a woman, what this means to the women out there.  If we narrow the holiday life down to some basic categories, we can talk about each one.  Let's pick: decorating/ home preparation and gift giving and social events.

Decorating and home preparation:  I figure almost everyone who reads a blog like this has a small interest in getting their home up to speed during the holidays.  Even though the extent of my holiday decorating consists of a string of lights and greenery plopped on the mantel, I'm sure that some of you have taken hours if not days to get your home spiffy.  I have my reasons for going sparse during the holidays, but I do not think it is wrong to go all out.   Before I go into the questions about each area, I've made some neat discoveries during this soul-searching process.

 It is just this:  The outward appearance of a self aware person and a self focused person can often look exactly the same.  Did you get that?  This is, sort of a bummer because now I can't just walk into someone's life and make instant judgements about whether they have a sense of joy or not.  Now, I can't judge anymore by appearances.  It's only when the heart is revealed that we know one way or the other.

So, I am proposing some questions to ask yourself.  They are by no means an exhaustive list.  You will find your own set of questions--things that go deeper into your own situation--things that you are searching when you read the Word of God.

So, what is it about decorating and home preparation that reveals something about us?

The self aware person asks these questions:

1. Is my home inviting, friendly, a haven of rest for my family and friends?
2. Does my decorating/ home prep lend itself toward the occasion we are celebrating?
3. Is it safe? Are others going to be inconvenienced in getting around?
4. Can I remain sweet-spirited through the process?
5. Can I sense when enough is enough? and when my family needs a break?
6. Can I stay within my budget and honor my husband in this way?


The self-focused person has these thoughts:

1. I hope my family appreciates all the work I'm doing for them.  After all, they didn't help at all.
2. I can't believe how cheap and run-down this house is.
3. These (people) are not going to be happy no matter how perfect the house is..
4. I need more (x,y, z) in order to impress ( whoever).
5. This is a thankless job.  What am I? the maid??


So, as you can see, the contrast is huge.  Either way, the home of the self-aware and self-focused person will often look very much the same.  The spirit of thankfulness is totally absent from the self-focused person.  If you struggle with this issue, you are not alone.  Here are some thoughts to help you with this issue.

God gave you the home.  Many people do not have homes.
God gave you your family.  Many people have lost loved ones.
God gave you your friends.  True friends do not need to be impressed.
God gave you your budget.  A loving family is the best adornment for any home.

I really do not like LONG blog posts, so we'll have to tackle: gift giving and social events for the next session.

Red scarf Christmas with the Piano guys

What do I like better?  The music?  the scenery? or the contrast of the bright red scarf?  Hhmmmmm..  it's all good.

Joy post #1

I had a false start with these "joy" posts, and I deleted it.  Sorry if you had to read it.  :)

After doing more thinking on the topic, I've decided to start with highlighting one important aspect of joyful people--the difference between  self-awareness and self-focus.

I would propose that the joyful person has a steady and growing self awareness and an ever decreasing self focus.

So, let's define terms again.

The self awareness is the equivalent of taking a side glance of something through your peripheral vision and quickly summing up the contents.

The self focus is more like taking a direct, head on gaze at something and seeing nothing else.

So, let's go deeper into this.  We all have to live in our own bodies.  We have our thoughts, our desires, our plans, our dreams.  We are the only ones in there.  Somehow, we have to deal.  And everyone says, "more of Jesus--less of self"  but what does that mean?  Do we (however briefly) somehow forget that we're human beings?  for just an inkling of time.. can we transcend the earthly and just turn into this other state of being?

That sounds kind of strange to me.  God made us to have these bodies. Even if it were possible to completely escape the earthly, it sounds more like a miracle than a regular practice.  So, then, do we submit to every whim of bodily desires and emotional tendencies?  Are we subject to these things?  No.  that's not it either.  There's got to be more.

There's got to be a way to live in these bodies in a godly way-- in a joyful way--and neither neglect nor obsess over the earthly aspects of living.  So, with a little bit of contemplation, I have chosen the terms: self-awareness and self-focus.  Self awareness is giving the self the attention it needs to be a joyful being.  Self focus is an obsessive, unhealthy or sinful focus on self.

You may disagree with me on how I parse the pizza on this issue, but I think most people would embrace the general concepts.

So, with those definitions, let's get to the nitty gritty, shall we?  O.K. next post. nitty gritty--enough high brow already!

Now we can talk about joy..

Joy...  three small letters with such a big meaning behind them.

Now that we have defined happy in our previous discussions, we can talk about joy.  What?  You haven't read about happy yet?  Rather than fear "happiness" like the stoics of old, I'd like to entertain the idea that genuine happiness does have a place in our lives.  It has the same place as chocolate.  It makes for a great dessert--but a lousy meal.

Joy, on the other hand, makes for a great meal.  In fact, one could survive for days on end without chocolate and still survive nutritionally  (albeit grimly). But hardly a soul could survive on chocolate and nothing else.

That's just the problem.  Our society feeds on chocolate.  We make "happiness" all there is in this life.  Pretty clothing, shallow but pleasurable relationships, expensive homes, high powered cars, entertaining games, decadent food, and aesthetic experience are what fuels our society.  It fuels our economy, our advertising, and claims to fuel the very necessities of our souls.

Ah.. but just like intake of sugar makes us hungrier than if we had never eaten anything, so do filling our lives with these "joy imposters" make us crave more of the same.  It's a very vicious cycle--not to mention--a very expensive one.

So, then what is this thing-- this non-chocolate thing-- that you call joy??

Well, I would first ascertain that I would find it impossible to find without knowing God.  In a sense, trying to find joy without finding God is like trying to find a nutritious meal in a candy shop.

So, are you saying that everyone who knows God has joy?  Because I know plenty of so-called Christians who are so lacking in joy.. so miserable...

Let me say this.  I have observed that it is (sadly) a rare thing to find a truly joyful human being.  In my lifetime, I have met about a dozen or so.  And it is even rarer to find a joyful woman.  What I mean is that someone who consistently lives in a state of joy. And I'm not trying to be critical.  I'm trying to be discerning about this.  So rather than list "what you have to do" to "get it", I think I'd like to make some observations of the few people I do know who seem to have a degree of joy in their lives.

And I'll give you time to think about the people you know.  Who has the joy of the Lord?  What is it that makes them that way?  And we'll discuss this a little more in the next post.

The secret of happiness..

I have this very animated student who announced that, "I know what the secret of happiness is, but I'm not going to tell you because it's a secret.."  while he was pacing up and down the room telling us stories.

I just laughed.  I was  so happy to have him so happy, that I did not even need to ask what he thought the secret was--as long as he's got it.  Could you have it tomorrow also?  And Mondays aren't often happy for people.  So, what is happiness anyway?

 And I know you've heard this: happiness is about happenings, and joy is..  something else.

Because our God is so unique and individual, there's got to be a specialized form of happiness and joy for each one of us, don't you think?

And for years, I would shun the idea of happy because it might interfere with "joy"--however elusive that may be.  But the problem is that happiness can often lead to joy and joy to happiness.  Joy and happiness can co-exist.  But happiness and sadness can not.  Sadness and joy can co-exist, and often do.  In fact, the contrast of these two mingling is often what makes the joy during sadness so memorable.

So, let me further tangle up this ball.  If joy is most apparent during sadness, is it least apparent during happiness? And all of this before I've even defined terms.  And I'm only going to define happy in this post.  Joy will have to be for a follow-on.

Happy is often thought of as---happenings.  When things or circumstances happen in such a way that are favorable to me, then I am happy.  As shallow as that may be, it is a real part of our existence.  Let's face it.  It's very difficult to constantly be living in a surreal world where all that there is is not what it should be so I need to constantly reach higher to have any sort of aesthetic experience.  So, right now, today, let's just be shallow for a moment and think about: happy.

After all, it is Christmas.  The spirit of Christmas is all that surrounds happy.  For better or worse, it is supposed to be happy.

Now, am I going to say that "Christmas" is the secret of happiness?  hA! of course not.  But, it helps define our terms.

People we like-- with food we like--giving and getting gifts from people we like--in a home that is well pleasing to look at with decorations, warmth, love, festivities--  and if you are an adult--beverages that "make us" happy...

So, indulge me for a moment and think shallow thoughts.  What makes you happy? (It's O.K. you won't explode or die from this experiment)

Try to get as simple as you can--not as elaborate as you can..

O.K. here's my list of happy and not necessarily in any great order of importance..

1)  hot, black tea after dinner.  Yes, this is one of life's greatest pleasures, thank you very much.

2) chocolate with peppermint.  I like it when these two flavors are combined.

3) knitting with good quality yarn.  Acrylic yarn is bad.  I like an expensive wool or silky cotton.

4) colors on the tertiary color scheme, slightly dulled and subdued--specifically the dark greens and dark reds..

5) plaid: I love the red plaids, especially if they are combined with blacks and greens..

6) birch trees--specifically in the winter.  I love that white contrast with black hardwoods.  If it is fall, and there are leaves on the trees, that is lovely also.

7) a fresh walk outside: especially if it is sunny out.  It doesn't matter if it is cold out, as long as it is sunny.

8) dancing lights on the ceiling-- when the sun shines in and you look up and the light is reflecting from something and it is dancing on the ceiling.

9) a tree tunnel: in the summer when all of the trees are full with leaves and their branches are curving in toward the (dirt) road, and you walk under it.  It makes a happy, shaded tunnel.

10) the smell of lemon grass..  hmmmmmmmmm...

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I just listed 10 of life's simplest pleasures.

In order to have happiness, they have to be something you can share with others.  So, I am sharing these happy ideas with you.   I could have listed things like family and my house and all that, but what if you are reading this and that just makes you envious? and makes you think about what you (don't) have?

Instead, almost all of these things are things that even a person in a wheelchair  or a hospital could enjoy.  And most of you are not in a wheelchair. Some of you are getting around well this season, but some may be confined.  If you are confined, have a plaid blanket with a cup of tea and a piece of chocolate peppermint.  Look at pictures of birch trees in winter and watch the lights dance on the ceiling.

List some of your happy things in the comments! 

Reason #483 why I don't like teen dating..

Break-ups!

Enough said. Teen dating rarely results in marriage.  There are a few good exceptions, but most teens are not ready for marriage.  I can hardly think of any teenager that I know that is READY for marriage.

So, what if their parents are on-board?  supportive ?  Just because parents are delusional does not mean make it right.

Delusional?  Don't you think that is a strong accusation? No. I .Don't.  Teenagers are fully developed sexually.  Are we expecting them to not be attracted to each other? Are we expecting that their sense of what is right is going to just "take over" in the heat of the moment? what? !

 Oh, I know.  Jesus is going to come down and do a miracle and stop these kids from having sex and curb their sexual cravings right in the nick of time?  Fat chance.

More likely, the kids are going to be tempted to have "just as much fun as they can" without getting caught or going all the way for as long as they can.  And then the guilt.  The guilt!  And there should be guilt.

And why is it that you (as parents) are encouraging this, again?

And then the inevitable happens--the breakup.  If the kids are not ready emotionally for marriage, what makes you think they are ready for divorce?

Well?  Isn't that what a breakup is?  It's a HUGE emotional let down for everyone.  It's a huge problem for everyone involved.  If the couple was engaged in physical activities, the problem is compounded even more so.  What do you do with all of these physical desires (that used to be asleep) and are now alive and craving?  What do you do with the huge emotional void that is created when you realize your best friend (and maybe only friend if you have shut off all other friends) is gone?

I don't know.  If you are a teen and you are going through this, I feel for you.  I can hardly think of a worse thing other than losing a parent or something.  If you are a parent, wake up!

Let your kids be kids! Encourage them to form good friendships!  Love them so they don't need to go searching for emotional security!  Can we try that, folks?  When they are ready for marriage, then we'll talk.