Thursday, October 18, 2012

45 and overcast

Yes, it is a weather report.

But it could be a performance report.  She's almost 45 and  (still) slightly overcast.

Actually, I don't even mind the overcast weather anymore.  The sun is hiding, but fall leaves can not hold their brilliance down--even amidst the overcast skies.  Hazy grey, scattered clouds, a bit chilly.

I told myself that on the 1,000th post, there would be some sort of celebration.. some sort of announcing of great things happening.

Maybe I would have a giveaway, where the prizes allure many more readers and all that hullabaloo?

Maybe I would announce that I've lost a lot of weight, or am writing a book, or just plain old awesome?

Or how about this? I am going to wake up and be the example of organizing that I've always wanted to be?
probably not.

Maybe I would suddenly be given to tact, grace and unoffensive behavior? And then I could could stop (constantly) asking forgiveness from everyone?
I can be hopeful.. but I doubt it's going to be a sudden change.

So, what can I celebrate on this glorious 1000th post?

Ha. I've got it.  It's the only thing I can boast of.  Are you ready?


yup. Forgiveness.  It's the only thing I've got left to hope in.

I may or may not lose the weight that I've been trying to lose and be the example of a pilates teacher that I want to be.

I may or may not get myself organized like I want to be.

I can hope (desperately hope!) that I will stop being a public nuisance and saying dumb stuff all the time.

But I can count on this one thing.

I am forgiven.

There's nothing left to say.  There's nothing left to hope in.

I've gotten to the point where if someone says, "you did this thing.. " and I just say "yes, I did" without even flinching.  I don't even care anymore if they have the details right or that they said it with a sneer or an attempt to push me down-- "yup.  you are right." and call it done.

Because I know my own heart.  Even if they are coming at me with wrong motives, I still probably had a ton of pride that was fueling that thing--whatever it was.  And if God wants to use people in my life to show me my pride, well.. so be it.

And if my character needs defending, then I'll leave that up to those who know me.  And if no one stands for me, then--  then-- it truly is God and I alone.  Nothing quite pushes you into the arms of Jesus like having others cast you off.

It is sweet here.  Safe and snug in the arms of Jesus.  Forgiven. In the end, that is all that matters.  


Herding Grasshoppers said...

LOVE your heart,


Jena Webber said...

Oh sister! LOVE your heart, also!! Amen.

sara said...

I think the fact that I keep putting my foot in my mouth is God's mercy, lest I really think I'm something special all on my own. It doesn't always feel like what I think mercy should feel like, but it is a correction that keeps me coming to the foot of the cross. It's good to be reminded of my need for Jesus.

I love your honesty. And even when I disagree with you or whatever, I still really like YOU. KWIM?

Bernadette Veenstra said...

"Yep, you are right!"
Maybe it will come with my 40s? =)
Good word.

Jena Webber said...

Sara, thanks for your kind words. Bernadette-- the hardest pill to swallow "yep. you are right pill.."

Mrs. Santos said...

"And if my character needs defending, then I'll leave that up to those who know me. And if no one stands for me, then-- then-- it truly is God and I alone. Nothing quite pushes you into the arms of Jesus like having others cast you off." Exactly what I have been going through for the past three months.

So true and thanks for putting it into words.

Mrs. Parunak said...

AMEN. And happy 1000th post. That's quite a milestone.