Saturday, August 23, 2014

50 Shades of Silence: for married women

There is probably not even one person who hasn't heard of the mommy-porn book/ upcoming movie of the infamous, Fifty Shades of Grey.  And while I've read several noteworthy blog posts and articles on the subject, not even one of them has been written by a female--let alone a conservative, Christian female.

And I thought about writing it, but then I had several problems with writing it.

First off-- an entire blog post about sex.. kinda awkward considering my own kids are like.. young adults.. and their friends.. and all that hoooo haaa .. "Mrs. Webber writes about sex.."

Secondly-- do I want people to think I have actually read the book? "Mrs. Webber reads porn.."

Thirdly-- do I feel qualified to discredit a book/ theory/ a concept that I can not and will not read?
"Mrs. Webber writes about stuff that she hasn't even read.."

And then finally--  what will.. like.. everybody.. think???  "Dang! We need to pray for the Webbers.."

All of that aside, I'm going to tell you story.

All my stories are theoretical, of course.  But let's just say this could have happened.

A friend and I were talking.  In this conversation she had a confession to make..

My friend: "I've been struggling with lust.."

My response: "Oh no..  another man?  You have feelings for a man that is not your husband?"

My friend: "No.  I've been lusting after my husband..."

My response: "So.. you are telling me.. that.. you are wanting your husband.. sexually?"

My friend: "yeah.. is that bad?"

 My response: "Does he know this?"   

So, suffice it to say, (after I straightened her out) I think he was in for a treat.

And you laugh.  Because it is funny.  But it is just the tip of the iceberg of how "screwed up" (horrible pun) the views of sex are.

We, in the church, are enshrouded by the 50 shades of silence.  The one positive outcome of nonsense like Fifty Shades is it somehow has highlighted the fact that women have sexual needs.  Good grief. Who knew?  But polite people in polite circles..just do not talk about such things.  And I agree.

The last thing you want to talk about in mixed company is stuff like this.

But I am going to attempt to bust out of some this silence.. a little.  Don't worry. No graphic details. No instructions.  Just a bit of encouragement.

But someone reading this is being tempted. They are too busy to "work on" their relationship with their husband, and 50 Shades solution seems to be the answer.  Wrong. and so wrong.

And here's why.. in no particular order.

1. Your husband needs to learn the lessons that only he can learn by being your hero in this way.
Yes, it is difficult for everyone.  But it is not impossible.  You need to teach him how to work with you, and he will figure it out.  And he will love bringing you pleasure more than you can imagine.

2. You need for your husband to be what brings you pleasure--not some strange book.  Your feelings for him will increase, and they are all wrapped up in this process.  Women are like spaghetti. It's all tangled up--including sex. Your ability to receive this pleasure will grow over time.  Believe it or not. The older you get, the more confident you are.. the better everything is.

3. God has given this as a gift for married couples to enjoy.  He designed it, and this is the right time and place.  You are married, and that is what you give each other.

4. God made you this way.  It's normal. It's good.  There is nothing to fear. For you, selfishness is going to be manifest by holding back and withholding.

5. God made him this way also.  It will take him a few years to actually fight his selfish side also.  But he will learn to pace things to your liking.  It's important for you to not criticize his efforts.  It's a process and not easy sometimes.

So, yeah.. I'm breaking one of the shades of silence.. call me out on this, if you need to.  And I apologize if this is read by someone other than my intended audience: married women.  I have no control over who reads a public blog.

For those of you who are struggling with this part of your relationship, I'm praying for you.


Janice said...

Thanks for breaking the silence! It is true it does take time and not at all like it is portrayed in the scenes in the movies we try to fast forward through on the DVD player. Silence, I think, is the greatest inhibitor to a good intimate relationship in a godly marriage.

Bernadette Veenstra said...

I think this definitely needs said. Thanks for saying it. I think there is a time and place for these conversations. Yes, they may be a bit awkward, but they still need to happen.

Anonymous said...

I would give you a great big hug if I could. You said what needs to be said and think it should be said again. I know I need to hear it again. Why can't we strike that right balance? Why is it that wholesome purity so often translates into people who thing ALL sex is bad?

Sex between a married couple is good. It's a blessing. It is awesome. And if it's not, make it so. LOL. Did I just channel Captain Picard?

- Sara McD