Thursday, August 7, 2014

Honestly Satirical

This is an actual Facebook message I got this week: (Completely unedited)

Hello dear, How are you doing? You look very beautiful, gentle and nice..... please, Can i be your friend? which country exactly are you from.....? I am David Mark,an American citizen Army serving in Kabul, Afghanistan, I saw your profile and sincerely wish to know you better and would like to have a good relationship with you,please reply me for more future communication. I will tell you more about myself when I receive your reply. I have to move to my duty now because am getting late,i am on night duty, i will tell you more about me as soon as am back from duty................ Good night...... I wait for your reply.


I am sure this is "completely" legit.  So, here's how I plan to respond.


Dearest Mark John,

That is your real name, isn't it?  I think two American first names squashed together sound completely normal, so I have no reason to be suspicious of you, your inquiry, or your request.

So, I'll try my best to answer your inquiry. 

Hello dear, How are you doing? You look very beautiful, gentle and nice..... please, Can i be your friend?

I am fine, dear.  I am really beautiful, gentle and nice.  You can ask my husband.  I doubt he'll be interested in having you be my friend.  I appreciate you not calling me "hot" or sexy or anything disrespectful, especially because I am probably a good 10 or 15 years older than you.  At least from your profile pic, which seems legit.

I am David Mark,an American citizen Army serving in Kabul, Afghanistan, I saw your profile and sincerely wish to know you better and would like to have a good relationship with you,please reply me for more future communication.

Well, Mr. Mark, I am not sure how one person is an entire army, let alone a citizen army.  Here again, I am not doubting your sincerity, but I do wonder how someone of your rank in the U.S. services has obtained such a caucasian appearance without learning English syntax and grammar usage.  Baffling.
It almost seems like google translator has failed you or something.  Nah.  Here again, I'm going with my gut instinct-- and that is--that you are completely legit.

which country exactly are you from.....? 

I know that you are expecting me to say that I'm an American.  But really?  I'm a Serbian refugee.  I'm really not even female.  Don't be shocked.  I know.  It's bad.  I hacked into somebody's photo account and swiped a picture of a beautiful, gentle, and nice looking woman.  I was hoping she had money.  I hope you have money.  Because I am trying to attract "worthy investors" just like you.  Please tell me that you are really American and have money.  Oh please...!!  

As it is, my friends and I huddle around the computer, swiping photos of whomever and whatever.. and send out mass emails and Facebook requests just hoping for some gullible person to bite.  
It's a hard living, but somebody's got to do it.  Without hackers and stalkers in this life, the normal people might just feel like they're living on their private utopia or something.  Really! 

Well-- I am sure you will find what you are looking for.  I guess this has been a short but meaningful online friendship, however awkward.   

Sincerely,

the nameless Serbian refugee..  aka.. "Jena" in the public profile world




2 comments:

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Hey! Your "normal" comment box is back! This post cracked me up multiple times - well played, Jena!

Sarah said...

This was awesome. Pure and simple.